Coffee Beans
by Colorwheel
Summary: 'You know, you're like a coffee bean, Katniss'  'A..wh.. what' i stammered, being named after an edible plant is already kinda of weird. For a moment i thought i might be in a different dimension and Peeta is a large loaf of talking bread.


Coffee bean.

Katniss POV:

Food, like music, has always been a source of comfort for me. It didn't really matter if it was stale or fresh, as long as i was able to share it with my family, i would be content. I remembered those chilly mornings where my mother used to skin the fresh rabbit i hunted and Prim would make goat cheese from the milk she got from lady. We rarely got to enjoy eating both in the same meal as it was a luxary we could never afford but the table would be always be beautifully arranged with meager portions of edibles. We were hardly full but we were relatively happy.

But now, we have, or rather, i have- an abundance of these delicious food items but my mother is more than a thousand miles away and my beloved sister is no longer of this world. I find it so hard to even swallow a spoonful of my favorite lamb stew or take a bite from those gorgeous cheese buns that Peeta had baked. It was painful to even look at goat cheese now. It was as if food had become the very poison to my soul which I refuse to consume, with fear that it might swallow me whole with me.

Peeta had tried unsuccessfully many times to convince me to eat regularly as it was evident i was literally stuffing myself to death with depression and anxiety. I would still function normally like i usually do every morning, hunt and wander around the forest setting up snares i never really bothered to check. But i was operating with very low energy intake and was starting to look like a walking skeleton. It didn't help that i had a healing albeit grotesque patchwork of scars. I looked like a starved monster trudging through the greenery. I bet i would have scared any animal to death without having to stick an arrow through their eye.

The deliberate torture on my stomach eventually took its toil and i collapsed one night.

I woke up to Peeta staring down at me intensely. It wasn't really a look of concern, i could tell because his brows were furrowed and his cheeks were red. He was angry. I didn't think Peeta would ever be angry with me, even when i intentionally injured him for confessing his love for me. That part of him.. in the capitol wasn't counted. He took my hand and pulled me out of the bed gently. I felt a wave of nausea hit me but i managed to keep whatever that was coming out my throat inside. I guess Peeta must have fed my some nutritious porridge while i was unconscious as i could taste a few gooey grains in my mouth mixed with the sour residue of my bile.

Peeta led me to the kitchen- there were 3 pots of boiling water. I questioned his intentions, my lips cracking as i opened my mouth. He looked at me, his eyes softening as if recalling a tender memory.

'My father once told me this story when i was feeling down, i thought i had to share it with you, because you're destroying yourself and it's making me feel so...'

'Helpless' I finished the sentence for him, i wouldn't say i felt the same, in fact, i think i am beyond that, i have become hollow skinny shell that is devoid of hope. I think i may actually be even permeating out negative vibes despite the lack of energy whatsoever. I could imagine flowers wilting and live animals rotting immediately as i passed by. Peeta did not respond and continued to look at me with an expression... I couldn't really read, i was too weak to think from the lack of food. He then proceeded to toss a single item into each of the boiling pots. A carrot, an egg and a bag of coffee beans. I wanted to laugh. Tell me a story? Or cooking demonstration? Pfft. I felt mean for feeling that way but i was just too jaded to react to anything. Nothing can ever bring back those mornings where the food tasted especially good, even if it didn't make me feel full. I was content.

We sat in silence for a few minutes until Peeta decided to take out the carrot from the piping hot water. He placed it on a plate and proceeded to the next pot, scooping out the egg with a ladle and setting it next to the orange vegetable. He left the beans to boil and the rich aromatic smell of coffee started wafting into the air.

'You know, you're like a coffee bean, Katniss'

'A..wh.. what?' i stammered, being named after an edible plant is already kinda of weird. For a moment i thought i might be in a different dimension and Peeta is a large loaf of talking bread.

'A coffee bean.. You heard me right, well, for me, i am kinda like a carrot..even if my dad insisted i am an egg...' replied Peeta.

'Oh how impressive,carrot... egghead, so what are you getting at?' i venomously replied. i was feeling especially irritated or should i say- energetic today. Peeta always had this innate ability to manipulate people's emotions, and i disliked being kept in suspense even if the situation involved an odd selection of food items.

Peeta didn't respond to that spiteful comment, i guess i must have blurted worse things when he was trying to force feed me those past few days. He picked up a fork and slowly pressed the flat side of the utensil onto the carrot, it became mushy under the pressure and after a few effortless movements, it turned into soft puree. He then took the cooled egg in his hands and proceeded to break off its shell with his fingers, revealing a hard smooth inner core.

'The boiling water represents the adversities we have faced in life... I must say we have probably been submerged in it for the longest time especially during those past few months, years and each of us have come out intact but… changed.'

'The carrot was strong and resistant at first but eventually comes out soft and disintegrated. The egg on the other hand was brittle but emerged much harder and relentless...' Peeta swallowed and continued 'when i was under torture... i thought they could never break my love for you but i was wrong... i was a carrot... but eventually i.. i could say somehow i managed to live through it.. With a greater resolve.. and stronger feelings for you...that is why _there's no way i am giving up on you.._'

It was then i realised the anger on his face i saw earlier was not intended for me. It was directed at himself for his 'incompetence', for letting me faint, for not making things right for me. A pang of guilt hit me and i felt my chest contract painfully for a few seconds, it was okay not to eat, the emptiness turned numb pretty quickly but this was real hard emotions overriding my senses. I had always forgotten Peeta's presence. After all these weeks of moping around, it didn't really occur that i still had him around. I don't know why but i felt wetness brimming at the tip of my eyes threatening to spill out and i

couldn't comprehend why i was feeling that way. Gale wasn't around anymore but i could understand why he wasn't- he couldn't face me just like how Peeta had forcefully ripped out that raw aching feeling i didn't want to experience. I was the worse, taking him for granted since the very beginning. Peeta noticed my discomfort almost immediately and moved forward to wrap his strong arms around my emaciated form, securing me in an embrace.

'**I am not giving up on you...**' He repeated, this time the tone of his voice was amplified with conviction. His encircled arms tightened around me, pulling me close to his warmth. I did not resist.

'So how am i a coffee bean...?' I asked a few minutes later. I had calmed down abit, trying to tame those wild nerves that were going haywire. I suddenly remembered the time where i planted a kiss on Peeta's shaking lips, trying to coax him back to his senses, to reality, to me. I realised now the roles were reversed now and i was the one losing grip on my sanity and it was his turn to hold on to me tightly.. with a hug and a food analogy.

Peeta gave me a small smile and said 'Coffee beans are very unusual individuals, just like yourself. Unlike the carrot or egg that changes under circumstances, the coffee beans counters its problems and utilizes its surroundings to create something worthwhile, like a delicious cup of coffee...You are the mockingjay, Katniss, a reluctant one at that but your actions with those berries that saved me at the first hunger games set off the chain reaction of events that has created a different Panem.'

'And reduced my home district 12 to blackened bits and my only sister charred beyond recognition' I added bitterly. It is all real, I, the girl on fire had brought forth the flames to feast on the very things that were so important to her. I bought only an inferno of destruction. How was it that i brought something worthwhile? I was more of a chemical that turned everything into a lethal acid that ate into everything that mattered to me.

Peeta frowned again.

'You're just like that your cat, buttercup. Always whining around, caring too much to the point of self-loathing, so lacking in any form of any self awareness. You have no idea, the effect you can have...'

I remembered those few words, Peeta had mentioned them before to Haymitch. The effect i had on others. I never saw it as a compliment at that point of time though.

'Your actions may have triggered unforeseen circumstances but they were not within your control and hence, Never beat yourself over it. Even so, it has brought forth a new generation of Panem that would never have to see their own children slaughtered in front of national television every year. Every year Katniss. _Every year_. Now, its over. **Never again**.'

Peeta's voice started to sound shaky.

'You may have failed to protect the ones you loved so much but even if you turned back time, Prim would still have rushed to the aid of those injured children without a second thought. There wasn't anything you could have done to change anything at that point of time. She died doing the very thing she was born and loved for. But you... You took it upon yourself to end the chaos by directing all the war's confusion towards yourself the moment you fired that arrow into Coin. Even though you were hurting so much inside with all those terrible things that happened, you still continued to think for the ones you loved, even after their death, to stop the potential danger, you didn't succumb to your adversities and continued to change things... for the better.'

'You have done so much for others, but _nothing_ for yourself..' Peeta continued, as he moved over to the pot and scooped up the coffee beans, they have turned smaller, shrunken from the excessive boiling.

'Thats why you should stop tearing yourself over it, because you have created something else so.. worthwhile.' Peeta then poured a mug of coffee with some ice in to cool and placed it in my bony hands. '...its time you take a break from all that pain'

I took the mug in my hands and sipped. It was bitter but it has been such a long while since i last tasted something so fragrant, maybe even sweet as well. I started eating the hard-boiled egg, mashed carrots and looked up to Peeta, his face full of happiness and relief. He was wrong, and so was his father, Peeta wasn't an egg or a carrot, he was also a coffee bean, and the thing he changed for the better was me.

Note:

The carrot, egg and coffee bean story isn't original but I felt it fit the context of Katniss's character a lot and I couldn't help feeling that she needed someone to remind her to keep on living as that person who had such a great influence to others. The best candidate to do that was Peeta of course.


End file.
